do I kill him? (story)

[delta one]

I am getting back into writing because family conflicts (death due to head injury so me taking photos in high risk situations is not ok with them right now irrational fear? yes but I don't want to put my family through more stress than they deserve either) have caused me to step away from photography for the time being.

ok so this is my super rough preliminary idea for a short story

I started this in a writing class about a year ago (maybe longer) and I just found it while cleaning off my hard drive. no idea where my edited copy went so instead of editing it out just to see if I should pursue it in a creative writing class I am going to be lazy and post up the rough draft.

Please critique me and post suggestions as to Byron's future and if I should even complete the story and how if you have ideas. but also know that I am very aware of all the punctuation errors and some continuity issues, feel free to remind me of the continuity things because it has been a year.

I have a few that I am still plotting out right now and nothing that I really like.

The sun was beating heavily down on the brick colored steel that loomed high over Samantha’s head. Squinting her young teenage eyes; she strains to see her father. Up on the 63rd level of the metal skeleton Byron is lost in thought. He has been working in construction for the last 15 years; he took the job when he discovered that his girlfriend of only three months was pregnant.
Byron had never intended on becoming a father after leaving the army, but had every intent on taking life slowly.
Walking along a beam with rivets in his mouth he bites down feeling the metallic flavor of blood encircle the small steel pieces in his mouth. Trying to focus on the task of hanging more lights for tonight’s work, instead of jumping off the beam; his life had become unbearable to him. He would of course, never show those feelings around his daughter; her pale green eyes staring up at him; her light brown hair blowing in the breeze, that gently kisses her cheeks, but pulls yearningly at his clothes as he steps from one beam to the next.
Earlier that night Rachel had scolded him for leaving Samantha at the pool alone with her friends. To Byron it was as if Rachel never fully understood that Samantha was nearly 16 and very responsible for her age. And at 45 he wanted nothing more than to be treated like the adult he was,
“I never asked for this life, if I could, I would give it to someone else! Why do you even come here anymore? Why don’t you and whoever it is you are sleeping with…”
Electricity crackles as a once peacefully humming wire breaks just over his left shoulder. The electricity arches around his brown leather boots reaching for the iron truss just below his foot.
Snapping back from his thoughts of the other night he comes to realize something dark; for the last 5 weeks he had been holding on to a pregnancy test that had been hiding in the bathroom garbage can. It had been loosely wrapped and placed into the middle of the garbage can, but when he entered it sat partly exposed. The pink line proudly announcing positive jumped out at him like a beacon of light.
It was only now that all the pieces came together for him, Rachel wasn’t cheating on him with another man. With his long hours away he had missed the signs that Rachel was tuned in to. And her anger was not directed at Byron but an act of fear and desperation for her daughter; her daughter who was now not only pregnant but hiding it from them.
Samantha’s boyfriend had just left for a military boarding school. He had done so at what he says was his own request in hopes of becoming leader of Americas armies. But in Byron’s eyes he would need to get his head out of his own ass first. Always acting tough and cocky; pumping up his chest and exhaling deeply in Byron’s presence. caught twice for steeling and once for vandalizing public property, but it has been rumored that he had been involved in as many as twenty other crimes.
It had never occurred to Byron that he and Samantha’s boyfriend Jake would have anything in common. Jake was also trying to find a way to support a child with his girlfriend but he also had a desire for death.
The windows whistled under Jake’s ear as he leaned on the cold glass, his breath left faint rings of moisture around his lips.

The steel loomed above and below Byron, the crackle of electricity beckoned him in. breathing deeply he close his eyes and reached forward.
The union would take care of his family if he were to die on the job.
White flashed through his vision and hot energy coursed through his rapidly tensing body as the arc licked at the bare flesh above his boots.

I have some finished short stories if any of you are interested Ill post them up

 

[Black Knight]

If you do it'll be a short story......(couldn't resist)

 

[dave_xb12r]

What the heck were you shooting? Drug deals?

And who is "Family"?

 

[delta one]

lol
yea I don't have the skill for a novel, as much as I would like to write one I just couldn't pull it off

If I kill him I will elaborate more on back story and maybe even keep him from an instant death.
my goal would be 20-30 pages

 

[delta one]

What the heck were you shooting? Drug deals?

And who is "Family"?

these among other things

sometimes I am standing on guard rails with large drops below me or hanging off of structures to get the shot I wanted.

family is my dad's side, my uncle died due to a bicycle crash. he was taking the dog for a run as he always did but for the first time in years didn't wear his helmet because it was still packed up from our family vacation (we get together for 2 weeks straight in the summer every few years, sometimes on Drummond Island) the best we can extrapolate is the dog cut across in front of him and yanked the bars 90 degrees (he kept the leash around his wrist) this caused him to go over the bars and face plant breaking the frontal bone in his skull. the majority of the damage was actually done as his brain hit the inside of his skull from the rapid deceleration.
he was in a coma for 3 months and passed just before thanksgiving last year. so family is my cousins grandparents aunts and uncles.
and with me having been in an accident on my bike recently they are up in arms about the risks I take.
they did not ask me to quit but I decided to walk away from it for the time being, I cant see myself taking photos without the risk. the risk is for a better photo, I cant settle for half ass.

when everything settles down a bit I may go back to photography.
or if I could afford a macro setup I would just switch my focus of photography.

but for now Ill try writing again as a creative outlet.
(I cook too but that doesn't work well when trying to loose weight )

 

[levi]

When I saw the title of this thread I thought "Oh God don't let him be asking us whether or not to snuff his comatose grandpa.."

That would be awkward.

 

[dave_xb12r]

Sorry to hear about your grandpa. It sounds like a very unfortunate accident that could have happened to anyone. You never know what could take you out. Hell you could have a big rig next to you have a blow out and decapitate you. Or you could light yourself on fire at the gas pump.

Rather than giving up what you like to do, couldn't you just be careful? I'm a professional and I've never done anything that I would consider dangerous. I'm just wondering what it is that you do that could be so bad. Saying photography is dangerous is like like saying that pet dogs will kill you. Yes there is a SLIGHT possibility you can get hurt. Just don't irritate your camera.

 

[delta one]

My grandpa is ok, we as well as any man who has to bury his son could be anyway.

Unfortuanately careful isn't careful enough, their fear is still irrational because the death is still so near.

They are afraid I will fall or crash my bike as I take pictures, or get hit by a bike because I'll stand in the middle of them as they buzz around.
But like you said it's not really that dangerous but I can't fight with reason because they don't see it.

I haven't put down the camera forever, just until this blows over a bit. Or I get too itchy and start snapping again. I really want to skydive and base jump with my SLR to see what kind of pictures I could get. I dream of one day being able to take pictures during a HALO jump

 

[levi]

Hey Delta my post was in bad taste man. I beg your pardon.

I failed to realize that there was some real stuff in the post as well as the story you're talking about.

What I posted could very easily be construed as thoughtless or asshole-esque. I want to be clear that I didn't intend to be suuch a douche-canoe in your serious thread.


Very repectfully

Mike Levi

 

[delta one]

thanks levi

I actually didnt think it was that bad, this thread started not so serious and only turned that way later, I figured you just didnt read that far into the tread so its all good. I could tell there was no malice in your comment as well and I actually got a good laugh out of your comment
I was trying to figure out what to title this thread that would get attention and also try to keep if from sounding like euthanasia.
because you are right, that would be awkward

regardless I very much appreciate you posting this though it shows what kind of person you are, a thoughtful caring one.
so props to you my friend [up]

Arron Pedelty

 

[delta one]

Ok so now that the drama is out of the way what do you guys think of my writing?

From the lack of response I am guessing that you guys are trying to be nice and I suck?
Lol

Be honnest I can take it
Maybe I'll post up some more samples tonight so I can get more feedback.

 

[BuellRiderX]

From the lack of response I am guessing that you guys are trying to be nice and I suck?

I think they're all out trying to get as much riding done as possible before winter hits

I personally enjoyed reading that little bit .. I'm a huge fan of Brian Jacques so I appreciated the details

 

[flaya564]

I like it. I think you could stretch it to 20 or 30 pages by switching to each character. Next the boyfriend, diving into his criminal history a bit and why he's the way he is. The wife, maybe learning about the daughter and flashing back to her situation then finally the daughter. Again with a brief history of her relationship then as she's staring up at her dad, the thoughts she is having. I think at that point, it will probably clear if Byron live or dies...any how.

 

[delta one]

I think they're all out trying to get as much riding done as possible before winter hits

Haha good call! I hadn't thought if that
I'll have to look up some of Brian Jacques work, I'm not familiar with him at all.


Thanks flaya [up]
That's just what I hope to do, I like your idea of ending with his daughter. I was struggling with the order and was thinking of starting with her because of her proximity but ending with her is perfect!

 

[uly luigi]

I was captured, a little unpolished, but it is a ruff draft, right, and the premise is one I can relate to, a real story about "real" people and problems facing us all, good luck with it,[up]