A farmer had two old bulls that had lost interest in serviceing his cows. He told them I might replace you both unless you change your ways but the bulls thought he was just kidding. Next week a new truck and trailer back up to the corral and out of it runs the biggest meanest bull they had ever seen. He's running around snorting throwing his head around letting everyone know who's the boss. The younger one stands by the barn but the older bull is snorting and kicking up some dust himself. The youmger one sees this and says are you nuts he'll kill you. The older one says you don't understand I'm making shure he knows I'm a bull.
Joke Thread!
- Thread starter bttrfngrz
- Start date
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After a lengthy court trial the judge looks at Mickey Mouse and says " Mickey I'm sorry i cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie Mouse on the grounds that she's insane". Mickey looks at the judge and replies " I did'nt say she was crazy your honor, I said that she was ****** Goofy"
Alfatango1
Well-known member
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2009
- Messages
- 2,076
Three blonds go to a bar and sit down and ask for three shots of tequila. The bar tender pours them and the girls grab them and toast "51 days"! and shoot the drinks and holler and hoot... About 5 minutes later the girls ask the bar tender for three more shots of tequila, he pours them and the girls toast "51 days"! and down their drinks, more high fives and chest bumps ensue. About a minute later the blonds ask for another round and the bartender says , I have to ask you girls what is this "51 days" toast all about? One of the blonds says "Well, we just finished a puzzle in 51 days" the bar tender looks at them and says "OK, I'm not following this" Another blond throws her chest out and says "The Box said 2 to 4 years"! : )
In all honesty some of your tastes are pretty bad. I came into this thread for a laugh and left feeling sick. I have a year and a half old daughter and maybe Im just sensitive, but Im pretty disgusted.
All shock factors aside, some of those jokes were pretty sick, and we should reflect on why such jokes inspire laughter in those.
Signing off.
All shock factors aside, some of those jokes were pretty sick, and we should reflect on why such jokes inspire laughter in those.
Signing off.
SonderMann
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2010
- Messages
- 299
+1
I do not particularly find those jokes too funny as well. So far I do not have any kid but that kind of humor is similar to joking the same way about parents may be. Would you like to???
I am tolerant to different kinds of humor but that is definitely not the best one.
Be honest, would you crack such a joke in the company of a normal people??? Most of 'em consider it to be a sacrilege from your side.
Do not think that I am a Priest from those stories above
no no . But there should be some limit.No offence guys.
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OK I stop rattling on and switch over the funny story
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The man is sleeping and sees a dream about him being a spider. He is sitting on the tree and sees a nice "spider ******" sitting much lower. He starts to go down on his web to her (sure he wants to **** her) and a couple of meters before he reaches her he founds that his web is almost over
Then he starts to push, puSH, PU-u-USH his web diligently to come closer to the smoking hot female spider and he has almost done it...Suddenly the wife is waking the man up and shouting at him - "What the **** are you doing???!!! You are shitting in the bed!!!"
The Man Rules...
These are our rules!...Please note these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl, if it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints – do not work!
Strong hints – do not work!
Obvious hints – do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem<B>only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 days.
1. If you think your fat, you probably are or already know you need to lose a few pounds. So don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how YOU want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin, is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutly anything you wear is fine....really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports or work.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have enough shoes.
1. I am in shape, round IS a shape!
1. Yes, i know i have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
These are our rules!...Please note these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl, if it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints – do not work!
Strong hints – do not work!
Obvious hints – do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem<B>only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 days.
1. If you think your fat, you probably are or already know you need to lose a few pounds. So don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how YOU want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin, is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutly anything you wear is fine....really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports or work.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have enough shoes.
1. I am in shape, round IS a shape!
1. Yes, i know i have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
SonderMann
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2010
- Messages
- 299
Buellgasm, [up][up][up]
Perfect observation!!!
Perfect observation!!!
Midnight82
Well-known member
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2009
- Messages
- 1,299
agfish18- Is that from Desperado?
Killer!
Killer!
jerseymayhem
Well-known member
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2010
- Messages
- 279
Aren't
Really
Men
Yet
USMC department of the Navy...YEAH, the Men's department!
Really
Men
Yet
USMC department of the Navy...YEAH, the Men's department!
nativeXb12Rbuell
Well-known member
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2008
- Messages
- 1,555
i know this is not really a joke, but more of a bad joke!
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey pal, why the long face?"
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve rope here." The rope walks out, ties himself in a half hitch, frays his ends and goes back in. "I told you, we don't serve rope here." "Nope, frayed knot."
A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, a joke?"
Two jews walk into a bar. They own it!
Two blondes walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
A carrot and a hamburger walk into a bar. The bartender tells them "We don't serve food here."
A man walks into a bar and says "Damn that hurt!"
A dog with a bandage on his foot walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A pirate with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper walks into a bar. The bartender says "What's that steering wheel doing sticking out of your fly?" "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."
This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."
A guy walks into a bar and asks "What's the quickest way to get to the next town over?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the bartender. "Driving," he answers. "That's the quickest way," says the bartender.
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "you!!?? No Way! You get too violent when you drink.
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?"
A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."
A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"
A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.
A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"
A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"
A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus." The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."
A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?" The pig says, "No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted
A ghost goes into a bar. The bartender told him, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve spirits here..."
A woman walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
A pirate walks into a bar with a roll of paper towels tied to his hat.
Bartender asks him why he has paper towels stuck to his hat.
Pirate replys
Arrrrr there be a bounty on me head
A drunk blonds walks into a bar and says "give me a beer!"
The bartender asks "Anheuser Busch?"
"My bush is fine, meow how about that beer?"
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve rope here." The rope walks out, ties himself in a half hitch, frays his ends and goes back in. "I told you, we don't serve rope here." "Nope, frayed knot."
A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, a joke?"
Two jews walk into a bar. They own it!
Two blondes walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
A carrot and a hamburger walk into a bar. The bartender tells them "We don't serve food here."
A man walks into a bar and says "Damn that hurt!"
A dog with a bandage on his foot walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A pirate with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper walks into a bar. The bartender says "What's that steering wheel doing sticking out of your fly?" "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."
This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."
A guy walks into a bar and asks "What's the quickest way to get to the next town over?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the bartender. "Driving," he answers. "That's the quickest way," says the bartender.
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "you!!?? No Way! You get too violent when you drink.
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?"
A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."
A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"
A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.
A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"
A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"
A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus." The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."
A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?" The pig says, "No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted
A ghost goes into a bar. The bartender told him, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve spirits here..."
A woman walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
A pirate walks into a bar with a roll of paper towels tied to his hat.
Bartender asks him why he has paper towels stuck to his hat.
Pirate replys
Arrrrr there be a bounty on me head
A drunk blonds walks into a bar and says "give me a beer!"
The bartender asks "Anheuser Busch?"
"My bush is fine, meow how about that beer?"
