Joke Thread!

[Black Knight]

08levin - When I got married I gave the 'three rings of marriage' as a toast at my reception. In true to life fashion - it appeared most of the men were scared to laugh for fear of retaliation from their "better halfs".

Ahhhh the suffering. Four years and counting...

I always thought that joke was freakin hilarious. For some strange reason, women don't find it very funny.

 

[myronman3]

what is meaner than a pit bull with a.i.d.s.?

the guy that gave it to 'em.

 

[Xb12sLt]

What's the worst part about eatin vegetables?.....

Putting them back in their wheelchairs.

 

[INKMAN815]

The bird that represents courage is the.......Eagle

The bird that represents wisdom is the .......Owl

The bird that represents birth control is................
The Swallow!!!!!!!

 

[12R_FIRE]

Priest and a Rabbi walking down the street, they see a little boy, the priest says to the rabbi "lets screw him," the rabbi replies "out of what"

 

[twoguns]

how do you stop a baby swinging on a clothes line?


with a shovel!





whats red, spins around and makes a squeel every revolution?


a baby in a microwave!

 

[twoguns]

there's three types of fuks!

first *** is the house ***. which is generally newly weds/one night stands. all the time any time all over the house. any position they want.

second type is bedroom ***. when you have been married for 5-7 years and all it is is missionary position in the bed.

third type of *** is hall ***. been married for 10 years or more, and is as you pass each other in the hall way, you look at each other and shout '*** you'!








now i told my dad this one year when i was being pestered about not being married yet. he cracked up laughing. bad. so bad he almost fell off the balcony. he then calms himself turns to me and says 'there is one more stage son!' i go wtf? its my joke its done! he says 'nope' there is one more... denial. when you have been married for 25 yrs or more. and its no matter what you try you are simply denied!

 

[pyrat]

This is one of my favorite jokes. Someone told me this about 20 years ago, and I never forgot it. It's a little complicated...

Now I want you to picture a very calm lake in the middle of a forest...

In the lake there is a fish in the water looking at a fly hovering above the lake...

The fish is thinking if that fly comes down four inches, I can jump out of the lake and get the fly...

On the side of the lake there is a bear. The bear is looking at the fish, looking at the fly. The bear is thinking...if that fly comes down four inches the fish is going to go for the fly, I can get the fish.

On the other side of the lake, there is a man with a rifle. The man is looking at the bear, looking at the fish, looking at the fly. The man is thinking... if that fly comes down four inches the fish is going to go for the fly, the bear is going to go for the fish, I can get the bear...

Behind the man is a mouse. The mouse is looking at a sandwich in the man's pocket, while the man is looking at the bear, looking at the fish, looking at the fly. The mouse is thinking...if that fly comes down four inches, the fish is going to get the fly, the bear is going to get the fish, the man is going to shoot the bear, and the sandwichich is going to fall...so I can get the sandwich.

Behind the mouse is a cat. The cat is looking at the mouse, looking at the man, looking at the bear, looking at the fish, looking at the fly. The cat is thinking...if that fly comes down four inches, the fish is going to go for the fly, the bear is going to go for the fish, the man is going to shoot the bear, the sandwich is going to fall, the mouse is going to go for the sandwich...I can get the mouse...

It all quiet for a long time...

All of a sudden, the fly hovers down four inches...BAMMMMMMM...the fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the man shoots the bear, the sandwich falls, the mouse gets the sandwich, the cat goes for the mouse...and misses...lands in the lake....

What's the moral of the story....

When the fly comes down four inches, the pussy gets wet!!!!!

 

[bttrfngrz]

thats a good one pyrat

 

[myronman3]

alright.....

how do you get a dog to stop humping your leg???

you pick him up and suck his dick.

 

[nativeXb12Rbuell]

[up] twoguns good one damn funny the three types of fuks , i told that one to my woman who has no sense of humor what so ever , & she actually laughed at that one .. funny funny so damn true.[up][up]

 

[bttrfngrz]

whats the differance between a bowflex and a truck load of dead babies?




I don't have a Bowflex in my garage.

 

[vanson1200r]

Harley Davidson....Bababahahaha!

 

[2fargon]

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a washing machine? You can drop a huge load in the washing machine without it screaming at you.

 

[fwkapaun]

The three stages of marital sex:
1. Tri Weekly 2. Try Weekly 3. Try Weakly

The five phases of an army staff operation:
1. enthusiasm, 2.disillusionment, 3. search for the guilty parties 4. punishment of the innocent, 5. awards and decorations for all non-participants.

 

[twobuells]

A farmer had two old bulls that had lost interest in serviceing his cows. He told them I might replace you both unless you change your ways but the bulls thought he was just kidding. Next week a new truck and trailer back up to the corral and out of it runs the biggest meanest bull they had ever seen. He's running around snorting throwing his head around letting everyone know who's the boss. The younger one stands by the barn but the older bull is snorting and kicking up some dust himself. The youmger one sees this and says are you nuts he'll kill you. The older one says you don't understand I'm making shure he knows I'm a bull.

 

[Dave A]

After a lengthy court trial the judge looks at Mickey Mouse and says " Mickey I'm sorry i cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie Mouse on the grounds that she's insane". Mickey looks at the judge and replies " I did'nt say she was crazy your honor, I said that she was ****** Goofy"

 

[wairen]

a blonde and her father are walking. the father says "look a dead bird." the blonde looks to the sky and says "where?"

 

[Buellgasm]

why did Michael Jackson like having sex with twenty eight year olds...

because there's twenty of em...

 

[Alfatango1]

Three blonds go to a bar and sit down and ask for three shots of tequila. The bar tender pours them and the girls grab them and toast "51 days"! and shoot the drinks and holler and hoot... About 5 minutes later the girls ask the bar tender for three more shots of tequila, he pours them and the girls toast "51 days"! and down their drinks, more high fives and chest bumps ensue. About a minute later the blonds ask for another round and the bartender says , I have to ask you girls what is this "51 days" toast all about? One of the blonds says "Well, we just finished a puzzle in 51 days" the bar tender looks at them and says "OK, I'm not following this" Another blond throws her chest out and says "The Box said 2 to 4 years"! : )