Joke Thread!
- Thread starter bttrfngrz
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hey i tried making a movie on xtranormal;
i' made it in the middle of the night so it's probably not that funny. night yall
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/8194899
it wouldn't let me make it into a link.
i' made it in the middle of the night so it's probably not that funny. night yall
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/8194899
it wouldn't let me make it into a link.
HER DIARY: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY: Tried everything but my bike wouldn't start today, I don't know what to do, but at least I got laid.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY: Tried everything but my bike wouldn't start today, I don't know what to do, but at least I got laid.
A rather smallish man goes into a bar, sits at a stool, and orders a drink. While paying for it, he notices a large glass jar full of $20 bills. He asks the bartender, "What's with the jar of money?"
"Oh," the bartender explains, "You see, the owner of this place has a little challenge going. If you succeed with the challenge, the money's yours. I gotta tell you though, it's really hard. Nobody's ever won it."
Curious, the customer asks, "What kind of a challenge?"
"Well, the challenge has three parts. First part is, you gotta knock out our bouncer!'
The man looks down the bar, where an huge guy, looking like he was carved out of a rock and weighing probably 300 pounds, nods and grins back.
The customer smiles and returns his attention to the bartender, "Oh, that's pretty good! What else is there to this challenge?"
The bartender goes on, "Well, the second part is, the owner's got this dog locked up in the back room, that's meaner than hell normally, but right now, the dog has a really badly infected tooth, and it's made the dog unbelievably crazy mean. The vet won't go near him. Second part is, you gotta pull the tooth!"
The customer laughs, "Wow! That's great! What's the third part?"
The bartender smiles, "Oh, that's the best part! You see, the owner's mother-in-law, double butt-ugly, who I think weighs more than the bouncer and hasn’t taken a bath since her 90th birthday three years ago, and they say she's even meaner than the dog... well, she lives upstairs."
"... Yeah?"
Well, the third part is, well... see, she ain't... HAD any in a long time... So..."
"... You're kidding!"
"Nope. Part three is, you gotta... make her happy, IF you know what I mean... "
The customer nearly sprays a mouthful of his drink on the floor, laughing. "Oh, wow! That’s pretty good, yessir! That's pretty damn good!'
The bartender pauses, and (not seriously) asks the man, 'What'ya think? Wanna go for it?"
The customer breaks out laughing again, "No, I, ah... I really don't think so! Maybe next time!"
The bartender smiles and moves down the bar, and the customer returns his attention to his drink, chuckling.
A few hours pass. The customer has had more than his share of drinks and is staring more and more at the big jar of money. Just when the bartender is thinking of cutting the guy off, the man announces, "I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it!" and starts fumbling in his pants pocket for a $20 bill.
The bartender, looking a bit concerned, says, "Do what?"
Red-eyed and obviously drunk, the customer says, "The challenge! I wanna do da' challenge!"
The bartender smiles and says, "I don't think so, pal. You've had enough excitement for one night. I think it's time you went home."
But the man is getting belligerent. "Hey! I'm gonna do it, and you're not gonna stop me!" The bouncer sees this and starts walking over.
The bartender tries to calm the man down, "Not tonight, pal. Trust me, you'll thank me later."
The man gets angry, 'Hey! My money's jus' as good as anybody ellsess! I'm gonna do... " and as he rises on his stool to get his money out of his pocket, he loses his balance, falls over backward, and accidentally head-butts the bouncer, laying the huge guy out cold!
Stumbling to his feet, the drunken customer turns around, sees the bouncer lying there, and starts yelling, " I did it! I did it! I did it, I did it, I did it! I knocked 'm out!"
The bartender argues, "Now wait a minute, buddy! You know damn well that that isn't what I meant by knocking out the bouncer! You fell off your stool and hit him with your head! That doesn't count!"
But the man won't listen, "I did it! I knocked out the bouncer! I knocked out the bouncer! You gotta lemme do step two! You gotta let me do the dog thing! You gotta lemme do the dog!"
About this time, the bouncer has come to, and is rising to his feet. With steam rolling out of his ears, he comes up behind the man, grabs him by the collar, and says to the bartender through clenched teeth, "Let... him... do... the... dog!"
Against his better judgement, but not wishing to anger the bouncer any further, the bartender pauses... but gives in. "... Okay... let him do the dog."
With evil clearly showing on his face, the bouncer easily drags the drunken man to a door in back, carefully turns the doorhandle, and in a split second, throws the man in and slams the door shut.
All the other customers are in shock as the sound of breaking glass, snarling, smashing furniture, screams, howls, everything, comes from the back of the building for two long minutes, then finally dies down to an eerie silence.
You could hear a pin drop in the bar. The bartender and bouncer, both white faced and in a cold sweat over what they've just allowed to happen, don't know what to do.
Suddenly, the drunk comes bursting out of the back room, bloody, his clothes ripped to shreds, yelling, " I DID IT! I DID IT, I DID IT!... NOW WHERE'S THAT OLD BROAD WITH THE BAD TOOTH?"
"Oh," the bartender explains, "You see, the owner of this place has a little challenge going. If you succeed with the challenge, the money's yours. I gotta tell you though, it's really hard. Nobody's ever won it."
Curious, the customer asks, "What kind of a challenge?"
"Well, the challenge has three parts. First part is, you gotta knock out our bouncer!'
The man looks down the bar, where an huge guy, looking like he was carved out of a rock and weighing probably 300 pounds, nods and grins back.
The customer smiles and returns his attention to the bartender, "Oh, that's pretty good! What else is there to this challenge?"
The bartender goes on, "Well, the second part is, the owner's got this dog locked up in the back room, that's meaner than hell normally, but right now, the dog has a really badly infected tooth, and it's made the dog unbelievably crazy mean. The vet won't go near him. Second part is, you gotta pull the tooth!"
The customer laughs, "Wow! That's great! What's the third part?"
The bartender smiles, "Oh, that's the best part! You see, the owner's mother-in-law, double butt-ugly, who I think weighs more than the bouncer and hasn’t taken a bath since her 90th birthday three years ago, and they say she's even meaner than the dog... well, she lives upstairs."
"... Yeah?"
Well, the third part is, well... see, she ain't... HAD any in a long time... So..."
"... You're kidding!"
"Nope. Part three is, you gotta... make her happy, IF you know what I mean... "
The customer nearly sprays a mouthful of his drink on the floor, laughing. "Oh, wow! That’s pretty good, yessir! That's pretty damn good!'
The bartender pauses, and (not seriously) asks the man, 'What'ya think? Wanna go for it?"
The customer breaks out laughing again, "No, I, ah... I really don't think so! Maybe next time!"
The bartender smiles and moves down the bar, and the customer returns his attention to his drink, chuckling.
A few hours pass. The customer has had more than his share of drinks and is staring more and more at the big jar of money. Just when the bartender is thinking of cutting the guy off, the man announces, "I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it!" and starts fumbling in his pants pocket for a $20 bill.
The bartender, looking a bit concerned, says, "Do what?"
Red-eyed and obviously drunk, the customer says, "The challenge! I wanna do da' challenge!"
The bartender smiles and says, "I don't think so, pal. You've had enough excitement for one night. I think it's time you went home."
But the man is getting belligerent. "Hey! I'm gonna do it, and you're not gonna stop me!" The bouncer sees this and starts walking over.
The bartender tries to calm the man down, "Not tonight, pal. Trust me, you'll thank me later."
The man gets angry, 'Hey! My money's jus' as good as anybody ellsess! I'm gonna do... " and as he rises on his stool to get his money out of his pocket, he loses his balance, falls over backward, and accidentally head-butts the bouncer, laying the huge guy out cold!
Stumbling to his feet, the drunken customer turns around, sees the bouncer lying there, and starts yelling, " I did it! I did it! I did it, I did it, I did it! I knocked 'm out!"
The bartender argues, "Now wait a minute, buddy! You know damn well that that isn't what I meant by knocking out the bouncer! You fell off your stool and hit him with your head! That doesn't count!"
But the man won't listen, "I did it! I knocked out the bouncer! I knocked out the bouncer! You gotta lemme do step two! You gotta let me do the dog thing! You gotta lemme do the dog!"
About this time, the bouncer has come to, and is rising to his feet. With steam rolling out of his ears, he comes up behind the man, grabs him by the collar, and says to the bartender through clenched teeth, "Let... him... do... the... dog!"
Against his better judgement, but not wishing to anger the bouncer any further, the bartender pauses... but gives in. "... Okay... let him do the dog."
With evil clearly showing on his face, the bouncer easily drags the drunken man to a door in back, carefully turns the doorhandle, and in a split second, throws the man in and slams the door shut.
All the other customers are in shock as the sound of breaking glass, snarling, smashing furniture, screams, howls, everything, comes from the back of the building for two long minutes, then finally dies down to an eerie silence.
You could hear a pin drop in the bar. The bartender and bouncer, both white faced and in a cold sweat over what they've just allowed to happen, don't know what to do.
Suddenly, the drunk comes bursting out of the back room, bloody, his clothes ripped to shreds, yelling, " I DID IT! I DID IT, I DID IT!... NOW WHERE'S THAT OLD BROAD WITH THE BAD TOOTH?"
onelogue
Well-known member
^^^^ (The one above this one) lmao!!!!!!! HILARIOUS!!!!! Delta one [up]
A guy goes into a bar and sees a jar of money on the counter. He asks the bartender about it. "There's a horse in the back room. If you can make him laugh, the money is yours." the guy throws his money in the jar and the 'tender takes him into the back room. A minute later the horse starts laughing. Surprised, the bartender hands him the money. A month later the man walks back into the bar and sees the jar of money full again. He asks about it, and is told there is a horse in the back. if he can make the horse cry, the money is his. Sure enough, he throws his money in the jar and goes in the back room. A few minutes go by, and the horse starts crying. When the man comes out to collect his money, the bartender asks what he said to the horse. "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his, and the second time, I proved it."
funny story,
The seventy year old owner of the motorcycle shop just explained to me the proper way to wear a flat bill hat. he said there's three positions; off, on and lock (where he had the hat off, then on, then he turned it to the side). I love my job!
The seventy year old owner of the motorcycle shop just explained to me the proper way to wear a flat bill hat. he said there's three positions; off, on and lock (where he had the hat off, then on, then he turned it to the side). I love my job!
onelogue
Well-known member
Turpintine vs. Holy water
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'Yea but if you take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Buell 1125R! [smirk]
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'Yea but if you take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Buell 1125R! [smirk]
• Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.
• You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.
• Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.
• Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails.
• Motorcycles don't snore.
• Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
• Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.
• You don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle.
• If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
• If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
• If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
• If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
• If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
• If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
• If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
• If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
• It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
• Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
• Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
• Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
• Motorcycles don't have parents.
• Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
• Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
• Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
• Motorcycles last longer.
• Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
• Motorcycles' curves never sag.
• New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
• When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
• You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
• You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
• You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
• You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
• You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
• You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
• You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that • Motorcycles are equals.
• You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
• You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
• You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is worn.
• Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
• Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
• Your Motorcycle doesn't car what you're wearing when you take it out.
• Wearing two fresh rubbers makes riding a bike MORE enjoyable.
• The rashes you get from motorcycles go away without those painful IM Penicillin shots.
• One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement.
• Disassembling the motorcycle is done out of pleasure rather than need.
• Motorcycles always sound pleasant.
• Unlike women FAT motorcycles aren't cheap dates.
• You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.
• Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.
• Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails.
• Motorcycles don't snore.
• Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
• Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.
• You don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle.
• If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
• If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
• If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
• If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
• If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
• If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
• If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
• If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
• It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
• Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
• Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
• Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
• Motorcycles don't have parents.
• Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
• Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
• Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
• Motorcycles last longer.
• Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
• Motorcycles' curves never sag.
• New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
• When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
• You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
• You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
• You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
• You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
• You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
• You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
• You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that • Motorcycles are equals.
• You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
• You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
• You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is worn.
• Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
• Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
• Your Motorcycle doesn't car what you're wearing when you take it out.
• Wearing two fresh rubbers makes riding a bike MORE enjoyable.
• The rashes you get from motorcycles go away without those painful IM Penicillin shots.
• One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement.
• Disassembling the motorcycle is done out of pleasure rather than need.
• Motorcycles always sound pleasant.
• Unlike women FAT motorcycles aren't cheap dates.
A woman is out golfing and she gets stung by a bee! In pain and fearing she's allergic, she leaves the course and heads straight to the doc. Doc comes into the exam room and the woman says, "I was stung by a bee and I'm concerned I'm allergic." doc asks,"where were you stung?" She replies, " between holes 1 and 2. can you help?"
Doc says, " yah, next time close your stance a little?"
Rim shot!
Doc says, " yah, next time close your stance a little?"
Rim shot!
